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Losing someone you love is very painful, and the pain is magnified when the loss is caused by the wrongful or negligent act of another. After such a devastating loss, you will likely experience difficult and frightening emotions including shock, anger, and guilt. You may feel like the sadness will never end, and that happiness will never return. Even though these feelings can be scary and overwhelming, they are normal reactions to loss. It is important for your healing to accept them as part of the natural grieving process and allow yourself to experience them.
There is no right or wrong way to move through the grieving process - but there are healthy ways to cope with the pain. Grief that is expressed and worked through emotionally has the potential to heal.
It is helpful and comforting to understand the natural stages of grief:
- Denial - At first, it may be difficult for you to accept the death of a loved one. You may even deny the reality of the loss. However, this denial will gradually be reduced as you share your feelings about the loss with friends and family.
- Anger - During this stage it is common to wonder why this loss happened, and what you could have done to prevent it. You may be angry at the unfairness of death and you may project your anger onto others. As you move through the grieving process, you will become less angry as you move into the next stage of grieving.
- Bargaining - Many people try to bargain with God. They will try to offer to trade an enjoyable part of their lives in exchange for the return of the lost person, even though they know logically this is not possible.
- Guilt - You may find that you feel guilty for things you did or didn't do prior to the loss. You may feel that you are to blame in some way for what happened to your loved one. Forgive yourself and accept that you are human and imperfect, and that this situation is not your fault.
- Depression - You may at first experience a sense of great loss, which can lead to feelings of being depressed. Mood fluctuations and feelings of isolation and withdrawal may follow. It takes time for you to return to your old self and become involved again in the life you have built for yourself.
- Loneliness - As you go through changes in your social life because of the loss, you may feel lonely, isolated, and afraid. The more you are able to reach out to others, maintain friendships and make new ones, the more this feeling lessens.
- Acceptance - Acceptance does not mean happiness. Instead you accept and deal with the reality of the situation. You understand that the loss is permanent, and that there is nothing that can be done to change the situation.
- Hope - Eventually you will reach a point where remembering will be less painful and you can begin to look ahead to the future and more good times.
Many people experience the following emotions when they’re grieving. Knowing that these difficult emotions are common will help you understand what is happening to you as you move through the grieving process.
- Shock and disbelief – Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. You may keep expecting someone who has died to show up, even though you know logically they’re gone.
- Sadness – Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may cry often or feel emotionally fragile and unstable.
- Anger – If you lost a loved one, you will likely feel angry and resentful, especially when the death is caused by the negligence or harmful act of someone else. In addition to having feelings of anger toward the party responsible, you may also be angry at yourself, God, the doctors, law enforcement officers, or even the person who died for abandoning you.
- Fear – A significant loss can bring on a wide variety of worries and fears. You may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even have anxiety attacks that you have never experienced before. The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of the death of other loved ones, of facing life without the person who died, or the responsibilities you now face alone.
- Physical symptoms – Grief often involves physical problems, including fatigue, nausea, nightmares, decreased immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains, and insomnia.
There are a number of things you can do to help you cope with grief.
Get support: Reach out and get support from your family and friends. Try not to isolate yourself, or fear that you will be a burden on them. Your support system is very important in a time of grieving. Family and friends are able to provide comfort and companionship, and often can serve as an understanding, non-judgmental place for you to express your feelings and fears.
Join a support group: A grief support group is made up of members who are all dealing with the death of someone they loved. The group members talk about their feelings and how they are coping with their grief. Grief support groups are normally run by a social worker, trained grief counselor, psychiatrist, or psychologist who guides the group through the process of grief.
The benefits of joining a grief support group are many:
- You are able to share your feelings and make a connection with other people who are experiencing similar emotions.
- Group members will listen to you without passing judgment, and everyone can share their ideas about healing and coping with the loss of their loved one.
- Also, you can gain a deeper understanding of the grieving process, and know that your personal feelings and thoughts are a normal part of this process.
You may feel uncomfortable attending a grief support group at first, but please consider taking that step. Try it for a couple of sessions before you make any decisions about whether it will work for you. If you still feel that a support group is not what you expected, don't give up immediately. Try another group until you find one that you feel provides you with an atmosphere that will help you deal with the grieving process.
There are many ways you can find a support group near you:
- check with your local hospital;
- check with a local hospice group, which often offer grief support groups even if your loved one did not use hospice services.
- Many churches and community organizations also have grief support groups.
Therapist/Grief Counselor: If you decide a support group is not for you, consider finding a therapist/grief counselor to work with. It does not mean that you are weak if you seek out the services of a grief counselor. Grief counseling can be the most effective support during this difficult time, and will help you deal with the grieving process and learn coping skills in a safe environment.
It is very important to take care of your physical health during this challenging time. Exercise, eat right, stay active and involved, and reach out to friends. Avoid alcohol and drugs in an attempt to avoid the feelings of grief. Prepare for grief triggers like anniversaries, holidays, and birthdays.
Read books on how to deal with grief: For a good list of books on dealing with grief, please go to:
http://www.amazon.com/Favorite-books-coping grief/lm/R3P274PQ4GQ0BO
Know when to get professional help to cope with grief. Contact a grief counselor or therapist if you:
- Feel like life isn’t worth living.
- Wish you had died along with your loved one.
- Continue to blame yourself for the loss or for failing to prevent it.
- Feel numb, isolated, or disconnected from others for more than a few weeks.
- Are having a hard time trusting other people since your loss.
- Are not able to perform your typical daily activities.
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